We’ve now gone up to No.13 in iTunes’ Self Development Audio Books chart – despite the fact that we’re not officially published till 31st July!

Get your copy of A Simpler Life here

Annabel Shaw

In part three of this mini guide to helping yourself I looked at the importance of thinking about what you would be doing with your new, better life once your current difficulties were overcome. I also looked at the importance of  being open to change. Today I want to talk a little about the role you might be playing in maintaining the problems you have in your current life.

What Role Do You Play In Your Difficult Life? This is no easy question and one that asks you to be scrupulously honest with yourself. Is there any chance that you could perhaps be making things worse for yourself ? Is there any chance that you are actually maintaining the difficult situation by refusing to acknowledge your own part in it  ?

Perhaps the hardest part of any resolution of life’s problems is taking responsibility for our own actions, accepting that perhaps, just perhaps, we might in fact be a big part of the problem. One way of gauging the part you are playing is to imagine your current life as a script – a book or a film. What other actions could you have taken to avoid the situation that now troubles you? In the light of that, can you think of anything that you could do now to make things better in the future ?

In Short: Is it always someone else’s fault?

I did say that I’d cover two topics a session but I think, given the significance of today’s task, that one is more than enough to be going on with.

There are some exercises in A Simpler Life  – our audio book – which can help you reconnect with your authentic self and your personal values, which in turn may offer some insight into your own role in where youstand today. A Simpler Life is now No.16 in iTunes’ self development audiobooks. If you download a copy, please leave us a comment here to give us your feedback

A Simpler Life is also available on Audible Downloads - a snip at £7.99 for our Tips and Tools for maintaining a simpler life. Again, you can listen to a sample – and please do post a review and rating at the bottom of the page.

“For the past few years, many of us have been on the ‘go, go, go, get, get, get’ treadmill – and ‘having it all’ has often simply meant ‘doing it all.’

But now outside events have forced some of us to pause and ask: Is more better? Is busy is best? Is it all worth it – or is there a simpler, more satisfying way to live?

What happened to the dreams and ambitions that once inspired us, filling us with excitement and happiness? At work and at home we’ve been so carried away with doing, having and achieving more, that we’ve left ourselves no time to stop and check on where we’re heading and why we’re going there. We’ve lost touch with what it is that gives our lives meaning, nurtures our unique talents and brings us true fulfilment.

Maybe it’s time to reconnect and to become reacquainted with our authentic selves.

Through a series of integrated, enjoyable exercises, work/life balance experts Lucy McCarraher and Annabel Shaw provide a map for the listener to embark on a journey to re-discovering genuine values, needs, desires and hopes, providing positive and well-defined goals, clearly marked destinations, a planned itinerary and regular signposts to keep the listener on track.

Topics covered include:
Why ‘simple’ is ‘the new black’
Establishing personal values
Living with integrity
Reconnecting with abandoned dreams and aspirations
The six areas in which you can live a simpler life
Writing your own fairy tale
Bringing your life into balance
Making your dreams a reality
Quick and easy ideas to implement your simpler life – today!”

Buy your own copy of A Simpler Life here.

Annabel Shaw

 We all know what anger is, and we’ve all felt it: either as mild irritation or at times as extreme displeasure. Anger is a natural, adaptive response to threats; it inspires powerful, often aggressive feelings and behaviours, which allow us to fight and to defend ourselves when we are attacked. A certain amount of anger, is, therefore, necessary to our survival and a completely normal, healthy, human emotion.

But when it turns to rage, it is anger that is out of control and destructive. Although rage stems from anger, rage is never heathy. Rage denotes a complete loss of control and is characterised by shouting, threats of violence as well as acts of violence, and involves a degree of aggressiveness that is out of proportion to any provocation. Unlike anger, rage is not a normal, healthy emotion. Rage is destructive and harmful to all involved.

If you find yourself acting in ways that seem out of control and frightening – both to yourself as well as to the victim of your rage – you will need to seek help to find better ways to express your anger and deal with your emotion. There are psychological tests which can test your ability to express anger apropriately but most of us know if we have a probem with rage. We understand, almost instinctively, that our anger is not healthy anger.

It’s worth having an idea of the common ways in which most of us deal with anger. In general people use a variety of both conscious and unconscious processes to deal with their angry feelings. The three main approaches are expressing, suppressing, and calming.

Expressing your angry feelings in an assertive not aggressive manner is the healthiest way to express anger. To do this, you have to learn how to make clear what your needs are, and how to get them met, without hurting others. It can sometimes be very difficult to tread the line between assertiveness and aggression – especially in the heat of the moment.

Anger can be suppressed, and then converted or redirected. This happens when you hold in your anger, stop thinking about it and focus on something positive. The aim is to inhibit or suppress your anger and convert it into more constructive behavior. The danger in this type of response is that if it isn’t allowed outward expression, your anger can turn inward on yourself. Anger turned inward may cause hypertension, high blood pressure, or depression.

Unexpressed anger can create other problems. It can lead to pathological expressions of anger, such as passive-aggressive behavior (getting back at people indirectly, without telling them why, rather than confronting them head-on) or a personality that seems perpetually cynical and hostile. People who are constantly putting others down, criticising everything, and making cynical comments haven’t learned how to constructively express their anger. Not surprisingly, they aren’t likely to have many successful relationships.

Finally, you can calm down inside. This means not just controlling your outward behavior, but also controlling your internal responses, taking steps to lower your heart rate, calm yourself down, and let the feelings subside. This response can be especially helpful if things have become over-heated and you need to restore your balance before expressing your anger in an appropriate and uselful way. Many people find that by removing themselves, physically, from the situation is also helpful. However, it’s important that the anger is addressed later when your feelings have calmed down and you are again in control.

Strategies to help you calm down angry feelings include;

Simple relaxation, such as deep breathing and relaxing imagery.

• Breathe deeply and slowly, from your diaphragm; breathing from your chest won’t relax you. Picture your breath coming up from your “gut”.
• Slowly repeat a calm word or phrase such as “relax,” “take it easy.” Repeat it to yourself while breathing deeply.
• Use imagery; visualise a relaxing experience, from either your memory or your imagination.

Practice these techniques daily. Learn to use them automatically when you’re in a tense situation.

Think!  When you’re angry, your thinking can get very exaggerated and overly dramatic. Try replacing these thoughts with more rational ones. For instance, instead of telling yourself, “oh, it’s awful, it’s terrible, everything’s ruined,” tell yourself, “it’s frustrating, and it’s understandable that I’m upset about it, but it’s not the end of the world and getting angry is not going to fix it anyhow.” Remind yourself that getting angry is not going to fix anything, that it won’t make you feel better and may actually make you feel worse.

Logic defeats anger, because anger, even when it’s justified, can quickly become irrational. So use cold hard logic on yourself. Remind yourself that the world is not out to get you, you’re just experiencing some of the day to day irritations that are a part of everyone’s daily life. Do this each time you feel anger getting the best of you, and it’ll help you get a more balanced perspective.

Angry people tend to jump to and act on conclusions, and some of those conclusions can be very inaccurate. The first thing to do if you’re in a heated discussion is slow down and think through your responses. Don’t say the first thing that comes into your head, but slow down, breathe, and think carefully about what you want to say. At the same time, listen carefully to what the other person is saying and take your time before answering. Try to stay as cool as you can, reminding yourself that allowing yourself to get into a rage will not solve anything.

I have only touched the tip of the iceberg that is rage. There is a great more to say but that will have to wait for another day. My main aim today has been to look at the ways in which we typically deal with anger and to offer some simple techniques for dealing with anger that has the potential to become an unhealthy rage.

Victim support: We would like to know more about the experience of being on the receiving end of a rage attack and so it would be very helpful if anyone reading this blog and who has had such an experience could comment on how they coped and what strategies for coping they would recommend. Do remember that your comments can be completely anonymous and your email address is never given out.

Annabel Shaw

Panic Attacks

Feeling out of control can come in a number of forms. From a feeling of generalised anxiety, discussed today in Lucy’s post, to “going postal”. This is an interesting American term introduced to us by Michael Lee in his post today and describes what I suppose we know more simply as “rage”.

Another form of Feeling out of Control is experienced during a panic attack.

Panic Attacks are very sudden episodes of intense anxiety in the absence of real danger, and they often occur out of the blue with no obvious immediate trigger. Panic attacks have very strong physical sensations such as heart palpitations, nausea, shortness of breath, dizziness, hot sweats and a feeling of imminent danger.

Experiencing a panic attack is extremely frightening and many who experience a panic attack for the first time often believe that they are having a heart attack. When this happens more panic sets in because people mistake these very strong physical symptoms as potentially life threatening. This then sets off a vicious circle as these misinterpretations lead to more anxiety, leading to heightened physical sensations.

Because panic attack symptoms can resemble life-threatening conditions, such as a heart attack, it’s important to seek an accurate diagnosis the first time you experience the symptoms listed above. The advice on how to cope with panic attacks given below is applicable only once your doctor has confirmed your diagnosis.

How to Cope with Panic attacks. There are a number of tips for dealing with panic attacks, some of which I will list below, but perhaps the single most important thing to keep in mind when experiencing a panic attack is that the symptoms commonly last approximately forty minutes and it is very unusual for them to last longer than an hour. Knowing that the attack will end soon and that it is not life threatening will do most to reduce the panic and thus lessen the physical sensations. It’s also worth knowing that very many people suffer from panic attacks, so you are not alone.

Many experienced sufferers treat panic attacks with some of the following methods and techniques. The next time you have an attack try them and see what effect they have on you.

• Diaphragmatic breathing or abdominal breathing — breathe slowly through the nose using the diaphragm and abdomen. Do not breathe through the mouth. Focus on exhaling very slowly. This will correct or prevent an imbalance of oxygen to carbon dioxide in the blood stream.

• Stay Focused in the present — rather than allow yourself to imagine the worst case scenario (“I’m going to die!”), remind yourself that the attack will soon pass and is not life threatening. Do not think about the future at all but stay focused on your breathing.

• Acceptance and acknowledgement- many people say that accepting and acknowledging their susceptability to panic attacks helps them not only deal with the symptoms when they happen but also allows them to see the attacks as a part of who they are.

• Floating with the symptoms — allow time to pass and “float with the symptoms” rather than trying to make them better or fighting them. This is another very successful technique for dealing with the unpleasant sensations as they happen.

• Coping statements —  repeat “coping statements” as part of an internal monologue to help you keep focused on the present and to remind yourself that you’re going to be OK. Here are some suggestions;

” No one has ever died from a panic attack.”

“I will let my body do its thing. This will pass.”

“I can be anxious and still deal with this situation.”

“This does not feel good, but I can deal with it”.

For many people a panic attack may occur less than a couple of times in their life, whilst for others panic attacks happen quite frequently. If you experience attacks very frequently then you will have a condition known as a panic disorder. Your doctor will advise you on treatment but the techniques listed above will always help during the attack itself.

Talking with other sufferers can be hugely helpful. If you are a sufferer and have any advice to add to the list above then please leave a comment.

Lucy McCarraher

Feeling Helplessly (Permanently) Out of Control

In Michael Lee’s opening post today, he talks about two forms of Feeling Out of Control.

I’m going to look at the more permanent and very debilitating feeling of feeling helplessly out of control. This ongoing stress state is often triggered by a single traumatic incident – sometimes from as far back as childhood which similar experiences will recall; or from a current problem you might be experiencing which seems to seep into every aspect of your life. Relationship breakdown is a typical cause, as are financial difficulties – something many people are suffering from at the moment.

Anxiety is a normal “alarm system” alerting you to danger and demanding a response to avert the threat. It is part of the fight or flight mechanism developed by our ancestors to cope with physical hazards as well risks to their genetic imperatives like mating and reproduction. Imagine coming home and finding a burglar in your living room: your heart beats faster, you find yourself sweating, your mind races and your body is charged for action. In this situation, fear is a useful response, providing an extra spark to help you get out of danger. In more normal but busy situations, anxiety can give you the energy to get things done, meet deadlines, think creatively.

This natural response to stressful situations should revert back to calm when the immediate threat has been dealt with or is over, but sometimes anxiety can spiral out of control, giving you a pervasive sense of dread and fear for no apparent reason. It’s a bit like a fire alarm in which the wiring has become faulty and keeps going off when there’s no fire to trigger it. This kind of anxiety can disrupt your life and make you feel irrational and unhappy. Ongoing worry or fear that isn’t related to a particular event or situation, or is out of proportion to what you would expect – for instance, constantly worrying about a child who is perfectly healthy – may be classified as Generalised Anxiety Disorder. Symptoms of GAD include muscle tension, trembling, shortness of breath, fast heartbeat, dry mouth, dizziness, nausea, irritability, loss of sleep and not being able to concentrate.

 But whether you can identify the cause of feeling helpless and out of control or not, there are ways to deal with it. Obviously, if your symptoms feel severe and unmanageable, talk to your doctor about them. A course of the right anti-depressant medication can be extremely effective in controlling anxiety. But there are ways you can help yourself get rid of the out of control feelings – some are absurdly simple, but all are effective.

Smile. Yes, really. Physical expressions are not only a response to emotions, but can work the other way round to trigger them. So the act of smiling, or better still, laughing, releases chemicals in your brain associated with positive feelings.

Breathe. Inhale slowly to the count of five; exhale slower (if possible) to the count of five. Repeat five times, trying to slow your breath a little more each time. This sends a message to your brain that the danger has passed, you are in control and it can turn of the fight or flight response.

Exercise. Regular exercise, even just twenty minutes at a time, diverts your mind, releases your body from its physical anxiety symptoms, helps you relax and sleep better.

Create diversions. Constant or repetitive anxiety means you are following well-trodden thought patterns which will always lead you to the same destination. Identify what triggers them, or notice when the feelings of helplessness and being out of control start – and think of something positive or pleasurable. A good memory, something you love or are looking forward to… anything that will stop the negative thought cycle. The more you can do this, the less you will find yourself falling into anxiety.

Control your worry. Pick a place and time to do your worrying. Make it the same place and time every day. Spend 30 minutes thinking about your concerns and what you can do about them – write them down and plan when you can carry them out. Avoid dwelling on worst case scenarios and focus on what’s really happening. Then let go of the worry and go on with your day.

Take action. Even doing the smallest thing towards remedying your problem will make you feel more in control. One step will lead to another. Don’t just sit there and wait for either the world to crash in on you, or someone or something to rescue you. If you have no idea what to do, reframe the question. For instance, “If I knew what to do about this problem, what would it be?” Or think of someone whose opinion you respect and either ask their advice or ask yourself what they would do in your position.

Talk, but don’t whine. By all means share your problems with  trusted friends or family members, but don’t dwell on how bad it is; brainstorm with them for positive solutions and ask them to make sure you actually do what you’ve agreed to take action on. Avoid people who will indulge your misery and make you feel worse about the situation.

If you have other suggestions that have worked for you, or any queries, leave a comment below and we’ll share them in a post or come back to you with suggestions to help.

The Stress of Feeling out of Control

By Michael Lee,  author of Turn Stress Into Bliss

Most of us at some time in our lives have felt “out of control”. Our out of control experiences come in many different forms. It might be a feeling of helplessness. This is the time when  there is that “nothing you can do to change anything” feeling and everything feels awful. Then there are the times when you kind of “lose it”, so to speak.  There are many different names for this kind of being out of control. “Going postal” is one of my favorites – a term often used in America to describe a person who really loses control.

Let’s take the helpless “out of control” feeling to begin with.  Often those trying to help in this situation will offer the advice “Oh, don’t worry! Everything will be all right.” If you are ever tempted to offer this advice – don’t!  It usually doesn’t help. Those of us who are feeling  out of control in a helpless kind of way  are convinced that nothing will ever be the same again.  And what if we are right?  If circumstances change and we can’t control the change then what options do we have?

Well the most important thing to remember is this.  Even if we can’t change the circumstances, we absolutely can change how we choose to respond to those circumstances. Wartime survivors report that what helped them get through horrendous circumstances was their attitude and approach to how to deal with those circumstances. One particular attitude that helps tremendously is an attitude of gratitude. It’s almost impossible to feel stressed and grateful at the same time. So when you are feeling helpless and out of control, think of something in your life to be grateful for and see what it does.

As for “going postal” on someone, the very best thing you can do is get out of the post office.  That’s right! Take a hike. Get away immediately from any situation when you feel that ‘out of control’ feeling coming on. Being in the situation is somehow triggering your stressed out feeling and the pending dump of your angst on someone else. So walk outside, or go to another room, and take three full deep breaths before you even think about anything. You are probably out of control because something isn’t working for you. Going postal on someone will not make it happen, so move away and come back with a different approach.   Perhaps we can talk more about that different approach in another article about how to get what you want rather than stress about not getting it.

For now though, just remember the bottom line. If you can’t change what’s happening, change how you respond to it.

Michael Lee is the author of Turn Stress Into Bliss and the founder of Phoenix Rising Yoga Therapy.  He writes a free weekly e-zine with lots of stories, information and tips. You can sign up at his website Turn-Stress-Into-Bliss

Lucy McCarraher

Medical science is making small but significant steps in examining the mind-body connection, and a recent study has found a strong association between high “dispositional activity” (the technical term for what you might call engagement with life) and an inflammatory chemical which the body releases in response to stress. In aging women, especially, low “extraversion” could signal that levels of an important inflammatory molecule in the blood have crossed over a threshold linked to a doubling of risk of death within five years. Jung originally defined extroverts as focused on the world around them and most happy when active and surrounded by people. Introverts, on the other hand, look inward and are shy.

Long-term exposure to hormones released by the brains of people under stress takes a toll on the body’s organs. Like any injury, this brings a reaction from the body’s immune system, including the release of immune chemicals that trigger inflammation in an attempt to begin the healing process. This reaction, though, can contribute to diseases from rheumatoid arthritis and Alzheimer’s disease to atherosclerosis, where inflammation contributes to clogged arteries, heart attacks and strokes.

The recent study, carried out at the Department of Psychiatry at the University of Rochester Medical Center, found that that extroverts with high “dispositional activity” have dramatically lower levels of the inflammatory chemical interleukin 6 (IL-6). The next step will be to discover whether one causes the other – and if low engagement with life turns out to be causing the inflammation, it would mean treatments could be designed to help high-risk patients become more involved with life as a defence against disease.

Lead author of the Rochester study, Professor Benjamin Chapman, said “Potentially, you might apply techniques developed to treat depression like ‘pleasurable event scheduling’ to patients with low dispositional energy, where you get people more involved in life by filling their time with things they enjoy as a therapy.”

Just what we suggest in My Wonderful Life – notably Section 2 Choose To Be Happy, Section 9 Social Work and Section 12 Smell The Roses. You can contact us to get downloads of those sections, or the full e-book of MWL to increase your engagement and build Your Wonderful Life. 

Oh, and don’t forget to check into the Stress of Feeling Out of Control Clinic on Friday. Or leave us a comment in advance about your experience, problems or tips.
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Annabel Shaw

Last Monday I talked about the importance of keeping things in perspective and also about whether you really were prepared for the changes you wanted to make. This week I want to talk a little more about the importance and effects of making changes in a life.

Filling in the gaps. As I mentioned last week, it’s important to consider what your new life will look like after you have dealt with those things in your current life which you wish to change. In doing this you will come to realise that some of your old habits will need to be replaced by new habits if you are to be successful. What, for example, are you going to do with the time you’ll save when you no longer have to deal with the problems that so beset you now? Filling in those gaps with positive behaviours will help support, in the long term, any changes you make now. In other words, you need to think about the positive aspects of change and make sure that you don’t fall into the trap of seeing only problems.

In Short: If you want to make changes in your life, you need to decide not only what to change, but also what to replace those changes with.

Be Open to Change. The notion that there is a perfect life just waiting for you to discover, once you’ve go over present difficulties, is nonsense. There is no such perfect life. Not for you and not for anyone. An interesting life, on the other hand, will be constantly interrupted with problems and difficulties that you’ll need to sort out or overcome. Being open to change will give you the necessary flexibility to deal with these problems, so don’t be afraid of change. Change can open up all sorts of interesting possibilities. Try to see change as a positive force and avoid seeing change as a necessary evil.

In Short: Don’t imagine there is such a thing as a trouble free life. You should expect to come across problems and difficulties throughout all your life. Keeping a flexible attitude towards any changes you may need to make, when dealing with these difficulties, will only help you in the long run.

Until next Monday

Annabel

Lucy McCarraher

We are all creatures of habit. Some of our habits are superficial and relatively unimportant, like biting your nails or having a cup of tea before bed; others affect your health or wellbeing, such as taking regular exercise or smoking. Our habitual thought processes and the associated emotional reactions, though, create patterns of behaviour which influence and define our lives.

 These strategies, for that is what they are, underlie our response to every experience and therefore have a considerable effect on our personal circumstances. Most of us have constructive and positive strategies which we have built up over a lifetime; but many of us also have some which may have served us well in the past, but are now redundant and can have negative effects in our lives.

For instance, someone who had an authoritarian parent could have developed a strategy of avoiding conflict by simply not talking to that parent about ideas or activities which would have been disapproved of or punished. This behaviour, repeated often enough, will have set up a sequence of thoughts and behaviours in response to any situation that suggested potential disagreement. This may have worked well for a teenager who was negotiating a short term situation before leaving home and setting up a lifestyle in which they could make their own rules. However, several years on, this deeply embedded strategy could have very negative consequences when unconsciously employed in a relationship with a partner or in a work situation.

Can you identify any recurring reactions you have to a particular kind of experience?

For example, does any criticism of you, or your work, bring on a depressive mood and the belief that nothing you do is ever any good, so you might as well stop trying? If so, you may be able to trace it back to a strategy you constructed in response to a teacher who thought disapproval of minor mistakes was more useful than praise of good work; or to a parent who believed that discipline was more important than displays of affection. In your current environment where constructive criticism is designed to improve your performance, your old strategy will be working against your ability to make positive use of this feedback.

When we allow a set of unhelpful responses to become entrenched, they set up repetitive patterns in our lives which result in negative situations. Our strategies for responding to situations are essentially a series of feedback loops of thought and emotion – some of which can repeat every day, others of which only show up every few years.

The exercises in My Wonderful Life are designed to help you try new ways of responding to key practical and emotional themes in your life. While you work on them, try to become more aware of your existing strategies for dealing with situations; build on those that produce good results and where you can identify repeating negative situations, ask yourself whether they are the result of an unhelpful strategy you’ve been unconsciously applying – then look to ways of changing the feedback loop of thoughts and emotions that it is made up of.
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