FEELING OUT OF CONTROL 2

Lucy McCarraher

Feeling Helplessly (Permanently) Out of Control

In Michael Lee’s opening post today, he talks about two forms of Feeling Out of Control.

I’m going to look at the more permanent and very debilitating feeling of feeling helplessly out of control. This ongoing stress state is often triggered by a single traumatic incident – sometimes from as far back as childhood which similar experiences will recall; or from a current problem you might be experiencing which seems to seep into every aspect of your life. Relationship breakdown is a typical cause, as are financial difficulties – something many people are suffering from at the moment.

Anxiety is a normal “alarm system” alerting you to danger and demanding a response to avert the threat. It is part of the fight or flight mechanism developed by our ancestors to cope with physical hazards as well risks to their genetic imperatives like mating and reproduction. Imagine coming home and finding a burglar in your living room: your heart beats faster, you find yourself sweating, your mind races and your body is charged for action. In this situation, fear is a useful response, providing an extra spark to help you get out of danger. In more normal but busy situations, anxiety can give you the energy to get things done, meet deadlines, think creatively.

This natural response to stressful situations should revert back to calm when the immediate threat has been dealt with or is over, but sometimes anxiety can spiral out of control, giving you a pervasive sense of dread and fear for no apparent reason. It’s a bit like a fire alarm in which the wiring has become faulty and keeps going off when there’s no fire to trigger it. This kind of anxiety can disrupt your life and make you feel irrational and unhappy. Ongoing worry or fear that isn’t related to a particular event or situation, or is out of proportion to what you would expect – for instance, constantly worrying about a child who is perfectly healthy – may be classified as Generalised Anxiety Disorder. Symptoms of GAD include muscle tension, trembling, shortness of breath, fast heartbeat, dry mouth, dizziness, nausea, irritability, loss of sleep and not being able to concentrate.

 But whether you can identify the cause of feeling helpless and out of control or not, there are ways to deal with it. Obviously, if your symptoms feel severe and unmanageable, talk to your doctor about them. A course of the right anti-depressant medication can be extremely effective in controlling anxiety. But there are ways you can help yourself get rid of the out of control feelings – some are absurdly simple, but all are effective.

Smile. Yes, really. Physical expressions are not only a response to emotions, but can work the other way round to trigger them. So the act of smiling, or better still, laughing, releases chemicals in your brain associated with positive feelings.

Breathe. Inhale slowly to the count of five; exhale slower (if possible) to the count of five. Repeat five times, trying to slow your breath a little more each time. This sends a message to your brain that the danger has passed, you are in control and it can turn of the fight or flight response.

Exercise. Regular exercise, even just twenty minutes at a time, diverts your mind, releases your body from its physical anxiety symptoms, helps you relax and sleep better.

Create diversions. Constant or repetitive anxiety means you are following well-trodden thought patterns which will always lead you to the same destination. Identify what triggers them, or notice when the feelings of helplessness and being out of control start – and think of something positive or pleasurable. A good memory, something you love or are looking forward to… anything that will stop the negative thought cycle. The more you can do this, the less you will find yourself falling into anxiety.

Control your worry. Pick a place and time to do your worrying. Make it the same place and time every day. Spend 30 minutes thinking about your concerns and what you can do about them – write them down and plan when you can carry them out. Avoid dwelling on worst case scenarios and focus on what’s really happening. Then let go of the worry and go on with your day.

Take action. Even doing the smallest thing towards remedying your problem will make you feel more in control. One step will lead to another. Don’t just sit there and wait for either the world to crash in on you, or someone or something to rescue you. If you have no idea what to do, reframe the question. For instance, “If I knew what to do about this problem, what would it be?” Or think of someone whose opinion you respect and either ask their advice or ask yourself what they would do in your position.

Talk, but don’t whine. By all means share your problems with  trusted friends or family members, but don’t dwell on how bad it is; brainstorm with them for positive solutions and ask them to make sure you actually do what you’ve agreed to take action on. Avoid people who will indulge your misery and make you feel worse about the situation.

If you have other suggestions that have worked for you, or any queries, leave a comment below and we’ll share them in a post or come back to you with suggestions to help.